Reddit nice guy syndrome

Oh no. He started off being really kind to me, bringing me food and hanging out with me when I was super depressed. This was after a 45 minute discussion on boundaries.

We were friends, and over time he grew to constantly ask me out, complain to me about how nice he was and how he just needed a chance to prove to me he could treat me well, and sort of outlined the different ways in which he was nice. We ended up dating for a year.

The whole time he made little remarks I never realized were joke-veiled insults. We hung out with her and the friend at a bar they were kind of holding hands and he had his arm around her, pretty much like a date and as soon as the friend left, my roommate tried to hit on her. One of them has a list of specific Magic cards he wanted for his deck.

I pull up each card on the computer, find it through the copious amounts of binders and set them aside for him to pay for it. The next day, I come in for my shift, but come in pretty early, so I wait and sit outside the store on a bench. Then here comes Mr. Nice Guy. He sees me sitting alone and comes over to talk to me. He does the small talk, then goes straight to asking me for my number. Like, I pulled away and his fingers glided across the back of my hand. Sorry buddy. There was a fedora-wearing guy who went to open the door for me, but I had already reached the door next to it and opened it myself to save time.

What are you? Some kind of trailblazer?! FB Tweet ellipsis More. Image zoom. Get push notifications with news, features and more. You'll get the latest updates on this topic in your browser notifications. Close Share options. All rights reserved. Close View image.So, here goes As anyone who follows this site knows well, waiting around is the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to be doing with women that is: moving faster with womensince attraction expiresand in any event Nice guys end up in the friend zone because they are fine with waiting, comfortable with it, and complain not when women shunt them into their man-queue After all, they have time Clearly, men are just shallow pigs.

Nice is the lowest common denominator.

reddit nice guy syndrome

Being nice is a bare minimum requirement, NOT a shining, redeeming, rare, heroic quality. When life hands them lemons, they throw the lemons on the ground and scream at them.

These guys are not boring, unsexy nice guys. There are many things that are actually under our control, but we as people tend to draw the wrong conclusions about what those things are and how much control we have over them — and this is often fueled by the information sources we surround ourselves with.

Yet, women keep ignoring the guys who take this path and chasing down the bad boys who make them cry — because those bad boys know how to advertise themselves to women. I have noticed that boring, unsexy nice guys tend to consume a large quantity of media, including news and anything pundit-related — sports commentary, stock market commentary, political commentary.

The media you consume is a big part of where you draw your mental model from, and because most media is an escape from reality, that means that as you consume more and more of it, you will tend to get increasingly fantastical, non-reality based mental models running in your head.

Which, of course, makes sense Yet, the times are different now, and the environment has changed in a way that women have moved into direct competition with men on a variety of levels. They take all of this posturing and pointing and gesticulating at face value. No wonder nice guys think women are such sorry victims of male aggression Nice men hear this and think women are victims of men Which, as you might imagine, makes them quite harmless, unthreatening, and ineffective in everything they do that remotely has any overlap with womankind.

Which means, of course, that they need to act as gentle, friendly, soft, and unintimidating as possible around women so as to not scare them off. Laughing and smiling a lot, which defuse tension and, in larger quantities, indicate nervousness or submission making them not a threat to women. High school athletes are usually passionate about their sports, or about being fit or staying in shape. Debate team members are passionate about rhetoric and argument structure.

Chess players are passionate about tactics and strategies. Science and engineering and programming club members are passionate about their projects and inventions or innovations. Athletes tend to be the most attractive to younger women, because their triumph over other men is the most visible to those with less mature social awarenesses.

But as women grow more socially experienced, they begin to recognize broader and broader forms of passion as attractive, as they begin to realize that all forms of passion involve overcoming worthy and formidable opponents. Boring, unsexy nice guys have the trait in common that they absolutely cannot understand why on Earth women have to date bad boys.An open letter addressed to "ladies" from an anonymous man has been posted all around what is likely Toronto though the location hasn't been confirmed and is making its way around the Internet.

What's remarkable about this letter is that it contains all the textbook signs of Nice Guy Syndrome : A man describes in benevolently sexist terms why he's so nice, puts down other men for not being "nice," puts down women for choosing these men over him, blames women for having very rational trust issues, and implies that these women have wronged him for not dating him. And, perhaps most characteristically, he describes himself as one of "the good guys" — which is almost always a surefire sign that a guy is not actually good.

Though there might be hints of these attitudes in some people who aren't men, they typically manifest in men due to societal roles that say women belong to them. For example, women are often depicted as prizes at the end of video games after male characters complete obstacles or at the end of movies after male protagonists wait patiently in the "friend zone.

But how do you know when you've encountered Nice Guy Syndrome and when you've just met a genuinely sweet, shy dude who has a bit of trouble in his love life? Getting bummed out about rejection is totally normal for people of all genders. It's even normal and healthy to complain about your rejections to your friends. What's not healthy is to behave as if you've wronged someone by turning down a date or sex. Whether or not you want to date someone is beyond your control.

It's just not a moral issue. Yes, rejection hurts, and that's not gender-specific.

How to Beat ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’

But a situation can be shitty without being anybody's fault. There's nothing wrong with being kind, obviously, but when somebody goes on and on about how nice they are, you have to wonder why they need everyone to know that.

Being nice should be for its own sake, not so that women will date you or sleep with you as a result. Touting your kindness in opposition to other men also implies that men in general are not kind, which puts men down and maintains a system in which masculinity means degrading and using women.

When women are distrustful of men, it's often because men have harassed and mistreated them. Yes, NotAllMen do thisbut women don't automatically know which men are responsible for sexism, so it's understandable that women would be wary of men — or people — in general. When women are reluctant to talk to a stranger, it's not because they're just being stuck-up bitches; it's because they've had experiences that make them wary. Even if you're not responsible for these experiences, you should understand that women are just being rational by basing their decisions on them.

Men with Nice Guy Syndrome like to think that they're the exception for being nice. But treating women like people doesn't make you special; it just makes you a decent human being. Plenty of men will treat women kindly, but Nice Guys like to think that behaving kindly earns them a gold star.

It doesn't. The real nice guys are those who treat people nicely without expecting any acknowledgement in return.You may have heard of Robert Glover, because he is a pretty big deal. Through the book and his career, Dr Glover has helped thousands of men transform from being passive and resentful to empowered and integrated. Learning to identify and overcome Nice Guy Syndrome is one of the most important steps a modern man can take in his personal growth.

Glover identified the most common pattern that creates a Nice Guy:. This situation has left a large percentage of modern men as more comfortable around feminine energy than masculine.

This imbalance in masculine and feminine causes men to get stuck in a cycle of seeking validation from a woman rather than self-validating. Do this pattern or some elements of it sound familiar? Still not sure if Nice Guy Syndrome applies to you? Well, see if any of these traits sound familiar. There are a more signs we could mention but if any of those sound familiar, check out the book or the podcast and you can take a deeper look at what Nice Guy Syndrome really is.

Ok, so you have experienced some or a bunch of those warning signs. You realize you might have Nice Guy Syndrome. Now what? His framework will help you better understand yourself, but more importantly, it will allow you to reclaim your ability to get what you want and deserve from the world.

This, in turn, will make you a better lover, a better businessman, and overall a better man. I believe so deeply in the power of his work that I ask any man to read this book if they want to work with me. I believe so much this work that I asked Dr. Note: workshop ticket holders receive a free ticket to the speaking event. Connor is also an international speaker, podcast host, CEO, and leader of ManTalks mission to build a global brotherhood.

Before founding ManTalks, Connor had a brief career as an opera singer and worked at Apple, leading high-performance sales and operations teams. Prior to joining ManTalkZander had an illustrious career ghostwriting books behind-the-scenes for business and personal development leaders across North America. Zander is at his best when learning something new every day and applying it.

Zander has written over 20 books [he lost count] and plans to write more in the future. Why did he join ManTalks? After building his own band-of-brothers, he saw the need and importance of building this space for men. You must be logged in to post a comment. Poker Online Paling Terbaik Langkah untuk mendaftar di satu situs di permainan judi dalam situs Poker Online terbaik waktu ini sangat mudah dan cepat untuk di lakukan.I did everything I could to make her happy.

I tried to solve her problems. I tried to be a good father to her children. I tried to be a better man than the other men in her past. I tried to be the best lover she had ever had. I put her needs ahead of mine. In spite of everything I did for her, it never seemed enough. I could never seem to make her happy. She was frequently moody and would lash out at me, seemingly without provocation. Our sex life sucked.

My resentment grew, but I kept it all inside. I just kept trying harder to do whatever it would take to make her happy and get her to give me the love, appreciation, and sex I so deeply desired.

reddit nice guy syndrome

I began to learn about things like boundaries, self-care, self-soothing, and honesty. I came to realize that the road map I had been using my entire life was extremely flawed and incapable of helping me get what I wanted. It was like I was trying to navigate my away around Seattle with a map of San Francisco. I was sure the map was accurate, but no matter how hard I tried, it never got me to my desired destination.

As my personal awareness increased, an interesting thing happened. I began to notice other men who seemed to be a lot like me. Then there were the single guys. These guys helped out and listened to women talk about their problems.

Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives. Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me and people I desire will desire me.

If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life. These covert contracts operate at an unconscious level. He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.

He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

Nice guys put other people's needs and wants before their own. Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim. Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy. Nice guys co-create relationships that are less than satisfying.

Nice guys create situations in which they do not have very much good sex. Nice guys frequently fail to live up to their full potential.Seems like women these days don't appreciate that, though.

Sound familiar?

12 Total Disasters from People Who Dated (or Declined) a Self-Proclaimed 'Nice Guy'

These days, it seems that online dating apps are more crowded with desperate, bitter dudes than a pick-up artist's weekend seminar. You know the type: the guy who insists he's kind, thoughtful, patient, and exactly what any smart, self-respecting woman should want.

reddit nice guy syndrome

He's baffled as to why girls consistently pass him over in favor of jerks. As a hetero man, I actually understand the appeal of this mindset. Despite believing myself to be a decent person, I spent adolescence struggling to find and keep a girlfriend. But it's an extremely flawed way of looking at relationships, and at its core, it's not all that nice. Yes, there are men out there who are genuinely good-hearted. This isn't about them. Believing that girls are just as capable of making rational decisions as guys is a basic requirement for respecting them.

So, when you accuse women of always going for the wrong guy, you're implying that you know better than they do. You're rejecting the possibility that they can make the right choice for themselves. Let's say the typical nice guy is right about girls. Maybe they don't date gentlemen. Maybe they do prefer bad boys. Maybe they constantly ignore the man who'll always be there with flowers, while chasing the one who'll never treat them like a princess. This theory has its problems, but let's give the nice guys the benefit of the doubt, and run with it.

It's still massively condescending. It still assumes that you know what a woman should be attracted to. It doesn't allow for the possibility that maybe girls prefer those qualities.

And if you truly respected them, you'd respect their right to pursue the men who possess them. You're allowed to be upset over the fact that you don't — I'm upset that I'm not Michael Fassbender — but that doesn't mean you're in the right if you want to insist that women should be more interested in a guy like you.

Did you know that the idea of only getting one phone call when you're arrested is a Hollywood myth? It made for a convenient storytelling trope, and leaked out into general knowledge to the point that we all started to accept it as fact.Well, some would say it has a lot of problems: the Netflix show has been continuously criticized and dissected for the way it deals with teen suicide and sexual assault. But one aspect of the series that hasn't been as closely scrutinized is as insidious and unassuming as the character himself: Clay Jensen, a quiet student thrown head first into the mystery of a classmate's suicide.

The show asks its viewers to believe he could have saved Hannah from suicide had she truly given him a chance, or had he tried just a little harder to get to know her—just as he tries to save his new girlfriend Skye in season 2. But the truth is that Clay can't rescue anyone, because all he truly cares about is himself. Clay has classic Nice Guy Syndrome, which makes men feel entitled to another's affections simply for displaying basic human decency.

For being "nice. This is not a new development in the controversial Netflix hit. Clay has been displaying symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome since episode one. While this doesn't excuse his behavior, he's clearly under a lot of emotional stress. But even before her death, Clay acted in ways that put a lot of pressure on the young woman he cared about and others around him. When an upskirt picture from Justin's date with Hannah is passed around the school, along with misleading rumors, Clay lashes out at her, saying, "Sometimes it's better to wait"—as if she'd brought the invasion of privacy on herself.

Clay also took it upon himself to punish Tyler Down Devin Druid for stalking and sharing photos of Hannah and Courtney Michele Selene Ang kissing by spreading a naked photo of Tyler around and throwing a brick through his window. Notably, his judgment of Tyler didn't stop Clay from masturbating to the images Tyler took of Hannah and Courtney.

But he's a teenage boy, and ultimately felt guilty for these actions. Supposedly, Hannah's tapes showed him the error of his ways and set him straight. But did they really?


In season two, Clay still doesn't seem to have fully accepted that Hannah was her own person. During the trial, he becomes furious with her after each of her romantic interests and her rapist, Bryce Justin Prenticetake the stand.

reddit nice guy syndrome

For instance, after discovering that Hannah lost her virginity to Zachhe begins to question everything from her tapes. In a bizarre turn of events, it's the problematic Justin—who doesn't exactly have a track record for treating women well—who shuts down Clay's slut-shaming rant.

Hannah, she sleeps with one guy. She has a crush on another guy, being me, and she kisses a third, being you All of a sudden, she's a slut? At one point, Clay also blames Hannah for going to "the clubhouse" in the first place—as if the new girl was supposed to know what that entailed.

While looking at photos of other girls who were abused by the baseball players, he says, "That's the thing I don't get. Why are these girls getting themselves into these situations in the first place? Guys make the situations bad. You don't know what that feels like, to be a girl in that room. But Clay's "nice guy" tendencies extend far beyond believing that none of Hannah's tragedies would have occurred had she made the "right" choice and chosen him from the beginning.

While he acknowledges that won't be easy, his efforts don't seem to take Jessica's wellbeing into account—rather, he sees her disclosure as being the only way Bryce "gets what's coming to him. The first season of 13 Reasons Why was criticized for being misogynistic and slut-shamingbut it did seem clear that viewers were not supposed to take it at face value when Hannah's sexuality was so severely judged by her classmates. But in the second season, if Clay's mistakes and flaws are being held up by the show for critique in the same way, it's not as clear or convincing.

7 Lies ‘Nice Guys’ Will Tell You (And Why You Shouldn’t Believe Them)

In our minds, he is the protagonist, and therein lies the problem. Nobody on this show is without fault, and given what they've gone through, nobody would expect them to be. Yet 13 Reasons Why uses other characters' trauma as teachable moments for Clay, and he's ultimately rewarded for his self-involved decisions—or worse, proven "right.

Everyone treats Clay as if he had actually dated Hannah the way he always wanted to: her mother professes how much Clay obviously loved her daughter as if he'd ever truly known her.


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